I feel very conflicted being home and being at school, but more so I feel very conflicted being with certain people while home. I feel as though my core is divided into two distinct beings, sharing the same home but acting differently from each other. I feel myself acting in a way that is not myself, more specifically I become a version of myself I don’t like, and I don’t know why these people prompt this behavior. Is it subliminal?
There is always someone that unearths parts of ourselves we weren’t completely aware existed, and as words tumble out of our mouths our brain says “NO NO this is NOT you!!” you can’t stop, its addicting and intoxicating, but the hangover is worse than any from alcohol, because you didn’t blackout. You remember every vivid detail from a conversation YOU had that seems separate from who you actually are.
I loved to think I grew up so much going to school, became so much more confident and happier, and I did for sure. However being home with people who I was previously not confident around has put me in a really weird state of limbo, because I’m not sure how to carry the new self over. I’m not sure enough has changed here for that to occur.
Simply it boils down to not liking the way I act and who I am around certain people. Others have the power to pull things out of you unconsciously. I’m uncomfortable giving someone that type of power over me. How unfortunate to realize a friend has this influence.