A relit cigarette never tastes the same.

It is almost too easy to return to what is comfortable. Be this our bed after a long day, our go-to salad at Sweetgreen, home for the weekend or dare I go there, an ex boyfriend or girlfriend.

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What I have learned is that a relit cigarette will never taste the same. An old flame will never be as bright, warm or satisfying as it was before, be this for the better or worse. There is always a chance that after time apart feelings can intensify for the better and you can realize what you have been missing. More often than not, the glory days have passed.The taste seems used and old and the kicker is missing.  Reuniting with an ex is lackluster. Regretful. Messy. Unsatisfying.

Because the build up is WAY more exciting than the reveal. It’s almost like when you eat greasy pizza at 3 a.m. on Friday and then decide maybe you’ll also have it at 4 p.m. Tuesday. You have the idea of how good it tastes from when you had it last, but when you take that first bite you immediately realize it is not the same.

So why do we do it? Why do we go crawling back, via texts or drunk calls, or worse–midnight meet-ups over breaks from school. Boredom comes to mind. Or it could be for closure, one last go around to make sure there are no feelings left. Getting it out of our system so we don’t have to wonder if maybe we broke it off too soon, or maybe there was still potential. It is a notion I’m too familiar with, one that led me to relighting an old cigarette and expecting the same taste and feeling.

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And yes, at first I was disappointed that it wasn’t the familiar flavor I was used to. What I have realized since was that I had to ‘eat the pizza’ and ‘relight the cigarette’ to truly realize I didn’t want them.There was a reason you put out the light in the first place, so why relight it?

Pizza isn’t my thing anyway. It never was…I’m gluten free. It just took awhile for me to see it. It took a little trial and error.

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